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Funny Quotes

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. Do the manufacturers of foolproof items keep some fools on their payroll to test out their items? Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one. WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed will remove the stains. I have a complex about my simplicity. A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. Michael Winner A good way to save water is to dilute it. I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them. George Bush The two most common elements in the universe: hydrogen and stupidity. Paying for psychiatrist proves your crazy. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. He took an IQ test and the results were negative. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. No one has ever comp...
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Funny Jokes Clean

Nice Joke “I was sitting in a bus today when a blind person came in. I offered my seat to him. The blind person was very happy and took it. Unfortunately I lost my job as a bus driver.” Cool Joke I made cookies for you. It is an apology because I crashed your car. YOU DID WHAT?! Cookies. I made cookies for you. Husband And Wife Joke Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years. One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.” The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two. - The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.” - “Are you sure?” asks the fairy. - “Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation. - Poof once more – and he’s 90. Intern...
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Fat Jokes

Restaurant Joke You ever accidentally go up to a real big fat person, and you accidentally ask them for a good place to eat? And they look at you and say they don't know. And you're looking at them, like, 'You do know. I bet if I follow you for an hour, we gonna be eatin'. Diet Joke A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight. "I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor. I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?" "Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Please take off your clothes." The man strips down. The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head. "But doctor -- now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!" "True," replies the doctor, "and you should see what you have for a collar and tie." Girl Joke Two fat girls were walking, when the bus came. One says to another: “ Is it my turn to ride o...
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