Rude Jokes
Abortion Joke
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. “What is it?” exclaims the President. “It’s the Abortion Bill, Mr. President – what do you want to do about it?” “Just go ahead and pay it.”
Politician Joke
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. “What’s the matter, Mr. President?” The Vice President inquired. “Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!” The President beamed. “How long did it take you?” “Well, the box said ‘3 to 5 Years’ but I did it in a month!”
Policeman Joke
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” and George said, “No,” and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available. George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!” George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
Medical Joke
Dwayne is recovering from surgery in St Peter's, Chertsey, UK, having had a local anaesthetic when a nurse asks him how he's feeling.' I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery'.
'What did he say?' asks the nurse.
'OOPS!'
Husband Wife Joke
My mother had decided to trim the household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, 'Just think, Ivor, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.' 'Good', my dad quickly replied. 'Wash it again.'
Driving License Joke
A short Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters.
On the bottom row were these letters: 'C Z W I N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied - 'I know the fellow.'
School Joke
The day's lesson in Mr Thomas's kindergarten class was numbers. He wrote a "1" on the board.
"Who knows what number this is?" he said. Several hands went up.
"Michael?" he said.
"That's a "1," Michael replied.
"Very Good. And who knows what comes after 1?" Fewer hands went up.
"Margaret?" Margaret replied "2."
"Very good. And what comes after 2?" Only a couple hands were raised. "Yvonne?"
"3," Yvonne replied. "Very Good," said Mr Thomas.
"Now, what comes after 3?" she continued. Only Pat's hand was raised. "Pat?"
"4 comes after 3!" she said, enthusiastically.
"Very good." Mr Thomas replied. Pat continued, "And after that comes 5, 6 and 7."
"That's right. Very good, Pat!"
"And after that, 8, 9 and 10!"
"Impressive!" said Mr Thomas. "Where did you learn your numbers?"
"My father taught me," Pat answered.
"Well, you have a very caring and attentive father," Mr Thomas said.
"Yes, he's the best!" was Pat's reply.
"Did he teach you what comes after 10?"
"Yes," Pat said. "Jack, Queen, King and Ace."
Wife Joke
Gilbert Parsons went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife, this is a true transcript of his conversation with the police officer.
Husband: I lost my wife Gale, she went shopping at Macy's and hasn't come back yet.
Officer: How tall is she?
Husband: I never checked.
Officer: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.
Officer: What colour are Gale's eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Officer: Colour of her hair?
Husband: That changes according to season.
Officer: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Officer: Was she driving?
Husband: Yes.
Officer: Colour of the car? . . . . .
Husband: Silver Ford Focus Zetec 1.6 engine, automatic drive, 2013 plate. Scratch on the offside driver's panel, crack in the front headlight ....... and then the husband started crying .....
Officer: Don't worry sir ... we will find your car.
Robber Joke
A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, “Give me all the money or you’re geography!” The puzzled teller replies, “Did you mean to say ‘or you’re history?'” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”
Teacher Joke
Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?”
Student: “A drinking problem.”
Senior Citizen Joke
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.” Little Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
Student Joke
Little Johnny was overheard by his mother reciting his homework, “Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch…; “Johnny!” shouted his mother. “Stop swearing!” “But mom!” Little Johnny protested, “That’s what the teacher taught us! And she said we should recite it till we learned it!” The next day his mother went to the teacher to complain. “No, no.” said the teacher terrified. “That’s not what I taught them. They’re supposed to say: ‘Two plus two, the sum of which is four.'”
Dad Joke
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
Dog Joke
The teacher called Little Johnny to her desk. She said: “This essay you’ve written about your pet dog is exactly the same essay your brother has written.” “Of course it is.” said Johnny. “It’s the same dog.”
This is a post on rude jokes that are exceptionally good.
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. “What is it?” exclaims the President. “It’s the Abortion Bill, Mr. President – what do you want to do about it?” “Just go ahead and pay it.”
Politician Joke
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. “What’s the matter, Mr. President?” The Vice President inquired. “Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!” The President beamed. “How long did it take you?” “Well, the box said ‘3 to 5 Years’ but I did it in a month!”
Policeman Joke
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” and George said, “No,” and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available. George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!” George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
Medical Joke
Dwayne is recovering from surgery in St Peter's, Chertsey, UK, having had a local anaesthetic when a nurse asks him how he's feeling.' I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery'.
'What did he say?' asks the nurse.
'OOPS!'
Husband Wife Joke
My mother had decided to trim the household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, 'Just think, Ivor, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.' 'Good', my dad quickly replied. 'Wash it again.'
Driving License Joke
A short Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters.
On the bottom row were these letters: 'C Z W I N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied - 'I know the fellow.'
School Joke
The day's lesson in Mr Thomas's kindergarten class was numbers. He wrote a "1" on the board.
"Who knows what number this is?" he said. Several hands went up.
"Michael?" he said.
"That's a "1," Michael replied.
"Very Good. And who knows what comes after 1?" Fewer hands went up.
"Margaret?" Margaret replied "2."
"Very good. And what comes after 2?" Only a couple hands were raised. "Yvonne?"
"3," Yvonne replied. "Very Good," said Mr Thomas.
"Now, what comes after 3?" she continued. Only Pat's hand was raised. "Pat?"
"4 comes after 3!" she said, enthusiastically.
"Very good." Mr Thomas replied. Pat continued, "And after that comes 5, 6 and 7."
"That's right. Very good, Pat!"
"And after that, 8, 9 and 10!"
"Impressive!" said Mr Thomas. "Where did you learn your numbers?"
"My father taught me," Pat answered.
"Well, you have a very caring and attentive father," Mr Thomas said.
"Yes, he's the best!" was Pat's reply.
"Did he teach you what comes after 10?"
"Yes," Pat said. "Jack, Queen, King and Ace."
Wife Joke
Gilbert Parsons went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife, this is a true transcript of his conversation with the police officer.
Husband: I lost my wife Gale, she went shopping at Macy's and hasn't come back yet.
Officer: How tall is she?
Husband: I never checked.
Officer: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.
Officer: What colour are Gale's eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Officer: Colour of her hair?
Husband: That changes according to season.
Officer: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Officer: Was she driving?
Husband: Yes.
Officer: Colour of the car? . . . . .
Husband: Silver Ford Focus Zetec 1.6 engine, automatic drive, 2013 plate. Scratch on the offside driver's panel, crack in the front headlight ....... and then the husband started crying .....
Officer: Don't worry sir ... we will find your car.
Robber Joke
A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, “Give me all the money or you’re geography!” The puzzled teller replies, “Did you mean to say ‘or you’re history?'” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”
Teacher Joke
Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?”
Student: “A drinking problem.”
Senior Citizen Joke
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.” Little Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
Student Joke
Little Johnny was overheard by his mother reciting his homework, “Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch…; “Johnny!” shouted his mother. “Stop swearing!” “But mom!” Little Johnny protested, “That’s what the teacher taught us! And she said we should recite it till we learned it!” The next day his mother went to the teacher to complain. “No, no.” said the teacher terrified. “That’s not what I taught them. They’re supposed to say: ‘Two plus two, the sum of which is four.'”
Dad Joke
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
Dog Joke
The teacher called Little Johnny to her desk. She said: “This essay you’ve written about your pet dog is exactly the same essay your brother has written.” “Of course it is.” said Johnny. “It’s the same dog.”
This is a post on rude jokes that are exceptionally good.
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