English Jokes
Airline Joke
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage.
Sadly, he lost his case.
Fruit Joke
Q: What do you do when life gives you melons?
A: See a doctor, because you’re probably dyslexic.
Dog Joke
Tiffany adopts two dogs, and she names them Rolex and Timex. "Where'd you come up with those names?" asks her friend Mandy. "HellOOOOOO," Tiffany replies. "They're watchdogs!"
Birthday Joke
Today is your birthday, so congratulate yourself, especially if you're still young enough to remember it.
Pessimist Joke
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Science Joke
Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!
Q: What goes up and never comes down?
A: Your age!
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don’t really know.
Q: Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?
A: In a cat-alogue!
Tech Joke
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperate, First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
Grammar Joke
Grammar walks into a Bar:
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They Drink. They Leave.
A comma splice walks into a bar; it has a drink and then leaves.
A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.
A Question mark walks into a bar?
Two Quotation marks "walk into" a bar.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking a drink.
The bar was walked into by the passive voice.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A synonym ambles into a pub.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink.
A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything.
A run on sentence walks into a bar it is thirsty.
Minister Joke
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. However, the first man to arrive was a total stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
This is a post on English jokes.
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage.
Sadly, he lost his case.
Fruit Joke
Q: What do you do when life gives you melons?
A: See a doctor, because you’re probably dyslexic.
Dog Joke
Tiffany adopts two dogs, and she names them Rolex and Timex. "Where'd you come up with those names?" asks her friend Mandy. "HellOOOOOO," Tiffany replies. "They're watchdogs!"
Birthday Joke
Today is your birthday, so congratulate yourself, especially if you're still young enough to remember it.
Pessimist Joke
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Science Joke
Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!
Q: What goes up and never comes down?
A: Your age!
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don’t really know.
Q: Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?
A: In a cat-alogue!
Tech Joke
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperate, First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
Grammar Joke
Grammar walks into a Bar:
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They Drink. They Leave.
A comma splice walks into a bar; it has a drink and then leaves.
A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.
A Question mark walks into a bar?
Two Quotation marks "walk into" a bar.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking a drink.
The bar was walked into by the passive voice.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A synonym ambles into a pub.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink.
A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything.
A run on sentence walks into a bar it is thirsty.
Minister Joke
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. However, the first man to arrive was a total stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."
This is a post on English jokes.
Comments
Post a Comment