Funny Jokes For Adults
Patient Joke
A stutterer walks in to a doctor’s office and says, “Doc-c-c-tor, my s-s-s-stuttering is a real p-p-pain in the n-n-neck, please help.” - The doctor examines him and finally finds the root of the problem: “Well, Mr Denny, the thing is, your pecker is too big and takes up too much blood that would normally go in the brain. We have to operate and take at least a half of it off.” - A month after the operation the stutterer comes back for a check-up and sighs, “Doctor, it really helped my stuttering and that is a relief. But my wife is very unhappy with the situation. Could the amputated bit be sewn back on, please?” - Doctor: “Sorry, but n-n-n-n-no.”
Babies Joke
A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
Name Joke
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?” “Playing a game,” the boy replied. “What is your name?” the officer questioned. “Mind Your Own Business.” Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!” The boy replied, “Why, yes.”
Cat Joke
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Six.” Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven!” Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!” Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
Interview Joke
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
Husband Wife Joke
My wife packed up my bags and told me to get the hell out and never come back. As I was walking to my car, she yelled at me from the door, "I hope you die a slow and horrible death, you moron!" "Wow," I said, "so you’re saying I should return?"
Wedding Joke
When did you get to know your wife?
Sadly, about a week after the wedding.
Honeymoon Joke
My wife came to me all happy, saying, “Look darling, you got me this 40 years ago on our honeymoon, and it still fits!” I love her so I let it pass. It was a scarf.
Girlfriend Joke
My girlfriend said she expected me to treat her like a princess. Very well, I married her to a weird guy old enough to be her grandpa to strengthen my business alliance with Germany.
Men Joke
My wife asked me how many women I slept with so far. I said, “Only you, my darling, only you. I was awake with all the rest of them.”
Chatter Joke
My wife was complaining that only women are capable of doing more than one thing at once and how unfair that was. So I told her to just shut the heck up and walk away. Yep, you guessed it. She couldn’t manage either.
Dog Joke
Husband leaves the house with the dog. - Wife asks: "Are you taking the donkey for a walk?" - Husband: "You mean the dog, right?" - Wife: "Shush, I am talking to the dog!"
Practical Joke
That awkward moment, one year into your marriage, when you realize the husband-wife jokes weren’t all jokes…
Shaving Joke
Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave? Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day. Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy? Man: No, I’m a barber.
Math Joke
“I am a master of fast calculations.” - “OK, what is 758 time 642 divided by 5?” - “22!” - “Ha ha, that’s wrong!” - “Might be, but it was fast!”
Pig Joke
Why are pigs not allowed to ride bikes?
Because they lack the thumbs to ring the bell.
Riddle
What has four legs, one foot and one head?
A bed.
News Joke
Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
Michael: The good news.
Paul: The good news is that I have no bad news.
Mood Joke
Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID. It always says “B positive”.
Chemistry Joke
Helium walks into a bar and orders water. Bartender apologizes, "Sorry sir but we're currently out of water." What does Helium do? It doesn't react.
Elephant Joke
Why did the elephant wear green socks?
Because the red ones were wet.
Why did the elephant swim on his back?
So his green ones wouldn't get wet too.
This is a post on funny jokes for adults that are engrossing and so witty that they will blow your guts out.
A stutterer walks in to a doctor’s office and says, “Doc-c-c-tor, my s-s-s-stuttering is a real p-p-pain in the n-n-neck, please help.” - The doctor examines him and finally finds the root of the problem: “Well, Mr Denny, the thing is, your pecker is too big and takes up too much blood that would normally go in the brain. We have to operate and take at least a half of it off.” - A month after the operation the stutterer comes back for a check-up and sighs, “Doctor, it really helped my stuttering and that is a relief. But my wife is very unhappy with the situation. Could the amputated bit be sewn back on, please?” - Doctor: “Sorry, but n-n-n-n-no.”
Babies Joke
A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
Name Joke
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?” “Playing a game,” the boy replied. “What is your name?” the officer questioned. “Mind Your Own Business.” Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!” The boy replied, “Why, yes.”
Cat Joke
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Six.” Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven!” Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!” Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
Interview Joke
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
Husband Wife Joke
My wife packed up my bags and told me to get the hell out and never come back. As I was walking to my car, she yelled at me from the door, "I hope you die a slow and horrible death, you moron!" "Wow," I said, "so you’re saying I should return?"
Wedding Joke
When did you get to know your wife?
Sadly, about a week after the wedding.
Honeymoon Joke
My wife came to me all happy, saying, “Look darling, you got me this 40 years ago on our honeymoon, and it still fits!” I love her so I let it pass. It was a scarf.
Girlfriend Joke
My girlfriend said she expected me to treat her like a princess. Very well, I married her to a weird guy old enough to be her grandpa to strengthen my business alliance with Germany.
Men Joke
My wife asked me how many women I slept with so far. I said, “Only you, my darling, only you. I was awake with all the rest of them.”
Chatter Joke
My wife was complaining that only women are capable of doing more than one thing at once and how unfair that was. So I told her to just shut the heck up and walk away. Yep, you guessed it. She couldn’t manage either.
Dog Joke
Husband leaves the house with the dog. - Wife asks: "Are you taking the donkey for a walk?" - Husband: "You mean the dog, right?" - Wife: "Shush, I am talking to the dog!"
Practical Joke
That awkward moment, one year into your marriage, when you realize the husband-wife jokes weren’t all jokes…
Shaving Joke
Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave? Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day. Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy? Man: No, I’m a barber.
Math Joke
“I am a master of fast calculations.” - “OK, what is 758 time 642 divided by 5?” - “22!” - “Ha ha, that’s wrong!” - “Might be, but it was fast!”
Pig Joke
Why are pigs not allowed to ride bikes?
Because they lack the thumbs to ring the bell.
Riddle
What has four legs, one foot and one head?
A bed.
News Joke
Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
Michael: The good news.
Paul: The good news is that I have no bad news.
Mood Joke
Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID. It always says “B positive”.
Chemistry Joke
Helium walks into a bar and orders water. Bartender apologizes, "Sorry sir but we're currently out of water." What does Helium do? It doesn't react.
Elephant Joke
Why did the elephant wear green socks?
Because the red ones were wet.
Why did the elephant swim on his back?
So his green ones wouldn't get wet too.
This is a post on funny jokes for adults that are engrossing and so witty that they will blow your guts out.
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